Lemme tell you a few things about who you’re here to hear
A couple of ascertainable facts that have been verified, certified, and sealed with approval
By no lesser authority than the Fraternal Organization of Guarantees, Warranties, Rubber Stamps, and Green Lights
Of which the Guinness Book of World Records and the Office of Weights and Measures
Both are subsidiaries
He speaks six languages fluently and can get into fights in thirty more
He’s been the best man at the weddings of ten senators and a dozen Grand Viziers
Only six of which ended in divorce and one of ‘em in arbitration
He’s swaggered through more saloon doors than John Wayne
Tuned Woody Guthrie’s guitar and taught him to croon
Was an underwriter in the selling of Robert Johnson’s soul
Which he won back playin’ poker with the Devil’s mother-in-law
He got the Good Lord drunk and made him write a new book for the Bible
The Book of Ambulations, Perambulations, and Scootin’ Round Town
The alpha and omega of which is just “yep”
He’s camped with hobos, learned their signs
Made up a couple himself, which were subsequently adopted into the lexicon
Of vagrants, ragamuffins, and the generally destitute
He’s slept in the mayor’s guest room and the dumpster behind the pool hall
Seen sunrises over Bogotá and sunsets from the Rockies,
Had a buffalo for a pal and taught love songs to chickadees
Yessiree, he’s the real McCoy, the big man on campus,
The unchronicled legend
Who’s done more to boost the reputation of the City of St. Paul
Than Paul Bunyan, Paul Revere, and Paul of Tarsus rolled into one...
He’s the one
The only
The exceptional
The here-today-gone-tomorrow
The not-to-be-missed
The chap-in-the-hat....
Townhouse Woods.